Ascoteles
by sakuramae
Summary: New chapter up! Well, here's another DisneyRayearth fic. Ascot wants to become a hero like his father, Clef. Clef? The king of the gods? Yep...and all other weird characters!
1. Default Chapter

~ Oh my, what's this? Another Disney/MKR parody? GASP! Anyway, I appreciate all you people who really liked my Genius and the Beast story, and so, I bring you this one. I hope you like this, too and tell me what you think of it! ^-^ Enjoy!

Ascoteles

Cast:

Hercules – Ascot

Megara – Ryuuzaki Umi

Hades – Zagato

Zeus – Clef

Hera – Presea

Hermes – Eagle

Philoctetes – Ferio

Pain – Geo

Panic – Zazu

Muses;

Calliope – Fuu

One with long curly hair – Hikaru

Fat and funny one – Caldina (well, yeah)

One who was a bit airheaded – Tatra

One who was a bit too serious – Tarta

Pegasus – Mokona

Three Fates – Aska and her entourage

Scene 1

(Lantis comes in)

Lantis: (clears throat and says in a loud voice) Long Ago... there was a land of em…powerful gods and stupid— 

Aska: SAY IT RIGHT! 

Lantis: Er…extraordinary heroes. And the bravest and strongest of all these heroes was, and I really mean…WAS the mighty (starts to cackle) Ascoteles. This is so stupid? Where do they get these names? Anyway, what is the measure of the true hero? Now that is wha… 

(At this point, Fuu comes in with everyone else) 

Caldina: Look at him! He's making the story sound like some Cephiro tragedy! 

Tarta: (rolls eyes) Maybe because it is… 

Tatra: (giggles) Lighten up, dude! I mean, sister! 

Fuu: (sighs) Why me? (to Lantis) We'll take it from here, darling. 

Lantis: Darling? Uh…you go ahead. 

Fuu: We are the Muses. Goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes.

Tatra: Heroes like Hercules…

Caldina: Dammit, it's Ascoteles! Woohoo I'd like to make some sweet music—

Fuu: Our story actually begins…

Caldina: Don't interrupt me!

Tarta: Shut up!

Hikaru: Can we continue with the movie? Now, our story actually begins long before Ascoteles. Many eons ago…

Caldina: Many MANY eons ago…

Fuu: (breaks into song) Back when the world was new  
And Cephiro was down on its luck  
and everywhere gigantic brutes called Rune gods ran amok! 

Caldina: It was a nasty place  
there was a mess wherever you stepped (steps on something squishy) What the hell is this?!

Hikaru: It's the leftover marshmallows from the last movie.

Caldina: Oh, repulsive! Where chaos reigned, and earthquakes and volcanoes never slept! 

Tarta: Ooh, say it, girlfriend! 

Hikaru and Tatra: And then along came Clef!

(a figurine of Clef shows up in the distance, looking around)

Fuu: He hurled his thunderbolt.

Hikaru and Tatra: He zapped!

Clef: Ahahahaha!! (throws thunderbolts at rune gods) Die you beasts!

Tarta: Locked those suckas in a vault!

Tatra: (tsk tsk) Tarta, your accent!

Hikaru and Caldina: They're trapped! And on his own stopped chaos in his tracks!

Clef: Wow, I'm this powerful? Excellent….

Caldina: And that's the gospel truth  
The guy was too type A to just 

Hikaru and Tarta: Relax!  
Tatra: And as the world's first dish. 

Caldina: Yeah baby. 

Hikaru: Zeus tamed the globe while still in his youth. 

Tarta: Wow, he's really old then, right? 

Clef: (getting angry) First, I'm an 8-year-old kid, now I'm completely an ancient! 

Tatra and Fuu: Though honey it may seem impossible, that's the gospel truth!

Caldina and Tarta: On mount Olympus life was neat and smooth as sweet vermouth. 

Hikaru: What's that? 

Fuu: I have no idea. 

Muses: Oh, honey it may seem impossible, that's the gospel truth! O-ooh-oh! 

Tarta: Hoo-oh baby. 

Muses: O-ooh-oh! 

Caldina: Hey-yeah-yeah! 

Muses: O-ooh-oh! 

Tatra: Hey hey hey! (starts to dance to the Irish jig) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! 

Tarta: TATRA! WILL YOU STOP?! 

Tatra: (starts getting teary eyed) But, Tarta, I'm the elder sister! 

Muses: O-ooh-oh! 

Caldina: AAAH!! 

Fuu: What?! 

Caldina: I saw a mouse? 

Hikaru: (sweatdrop) Just roll the film. 

Mokona: Pu pu pu! (the Rocky theme song starts playing) 

Scene 2 

(We are at Clef's castle, where a party is taking place. The song "Baby Got Back" is playing in the background.) 

Eagle: (playing as a DJ) I like big butts and I cannot lie! 

Clef: All you other girls can't deny! 

Admirers: Go Eagle! Get down! Go Clef! Weehuu! 

(All the other people are groaning and dying.) 

Presea: SHUT UP! YOU'LL WAKE THE BABY! 

Clef: You heard the lady, Eagle. Stop singing! 

Eagle: Ay, ay, sir! (takes out a bunch of flowers from the ground and shoves them at Presea) there you go, a present. 

Presea: (looks disgusted) Err…thank you. 

Clef: Aw…lookie. Ascoteles is so cute! Coochie-coochie coo! 

Ascot: Hehe…(bite) 

Clef: Aaah! Why you brat! Lightning Call! 

(Chaos ensues and everyone is running around. Someone had the sense to swing her sword at the lightning, and it disappeared.) 

Ascot: Why the hell did you do that for?! 

Presea: Oh, look! Ascoteles has uttered his first words! 

Eagle: How very…um…fitting. 

Lantis: Why am I Poseidon? He doesn't say anything. 

Clef: That's the point, Lantis. After the last movie, we decided to make you and Lafarga extras. 

Presea: Poor Lafarga. Having to deal with being an extra again…hehe… 

Ascot: (clears throat) 

Clef: WHAT?! 

Ascot: My present! Where is it? 

Clef: Huh? Oh, right. Let's see, a dash of cumulus, a little of stratus, sugar, spice, everything nice, one egg, two bananas, a little lake, two pillows, a cradle, um…oh yeah, and marshmallows. 

Eagle: Um…Clef, what are you making? 

Clef: Isn't it obvious? Smores! 

Ascot: I want my present! 

Clef: FINE! MOKONA! 

Mokona: Pu? 

Clef: (grabs Mokona and throws it at Ascot) There, happy, brat? 

Ascot: What does this thing do? Is it edible? (Mokona shows him some melted marshmallows and screams) Why am I always stuck with Mokona half the time? 

(Zagato comes in) 

Everyone: GASP! We thought you were dead! 

Zagato: Yes, well, that's why I became Hades! Get it? 

Eagle: Ahaha! (laughs) That was so not funny! 

Everyone: (blink) 

Zagato: You guys really don't have a sense of humor. (starts moving to the front) Hey there, Lantis, I see you're doing well. Hey, Emeraude, beautiful as usual. You wanna go out later? 

Emeraude: Why, sure, Zagato. I'll see you later! (winks) 

Lantis: (gags) Why am I here? 

Zagato: Ah, lookie, it's the little sunspot! (shoves a lollipop down Ascot's throat) There's a sucker for the little sucker. 

Ascot: Who you calling sucker? (conjures up a ball and throws it at Zagato's hair) Atalanta, go get it! Hehe… 

Zagato: Aaah! Get that bug away from me! I'm leaving! 

Clef: Go ahead. And take the bug with you. 

Emeraude: Slow down, Zagato, you haven't even stayed around for the party. 

Zagato: That's because Mister high and mighty Clef helped the Magic Knights to kill me and so I'm stuck working as the king of the dead. 

Clef: Slow down, Zagato or you'll work yourself to death. Ha! Work yourself to death! (starts laughing) 

Eagle: Ahahahaha! (laughs) This was even stupider than Zagato's! 

Everyone: (blink blink) 

Zagato: You guys are maniacs. I am gone, babe. (leaves) 

(the party gets back to normal)

Eagle: Alright! Let's do the Macarena! Hey, where's Lafarga anyway? He's supposed to be here with you, Lantis.

Lantis: …

Eagle: Well?

Lantis: …Probably lost his way to Clef's castle. He's lurking around the set somewhere.

Aska: Now, onto Hades.

Sang Yung: Don't you mean Zagato?

Aska: Whatever.


	2. Scenes 3 and 4

~ Here's another chapter! Hope you like this one, too! ^-^

Scene 3

(the Muses come in, shoving each other out of the way)

Tatra: Now there's one god you don't want steamed up, it's Zagato. 'Cuz he had an evil plan…

Tarta: (scowls) Now who has the accent, sister?

Caldina: He ran the Underworld

But thought the dead were dull and uncouth.

Emeraude: Is that true, Zagato? You don't like dead people?

Zagato: How can it be true? We're both dead! They're lying!

Tarta: He was as mean as he was ruthless, and that's the gospel truth.

Zagato: LIARS!!

Hikaru: He had a plan to shake things up

And that's the gospel truth…

Zagato: How dare you accuse me falsely!

Muses: THE GOSPEL TRUTH!

Zagato: (getting angry) Geo! Zazu!

(Geo and Zazu come scrambling down. Zazu falls and Geo trips on him.)

Geo: Ow! I feel pain! I'm Geo!

Zazu: And Zazu! At your service!

Zagato: Remind me once again why I am stuck with losers like you as my servants.

Geo: Um…because Lafarga, Lantis, and Eagle didn't like you?

Zazu: We're losers?

Zagato: (sigh) Never mind. Just tell me when the fates have arrived.

Geo: (whispers to Zazu) Should we tell him now?

Zazu: Nah, wait a while.

(an hour passes)

Geo: Um…sir, they're here.

Zagato: (blows a fuse) What?! And you didn't tell me?!

Geo: Um…we did, sir. Just now.

Zagato: Memo to me. Memo to me, maim you after the meeting.

Zazu: What's that?

Geo: It means he wants to physically disfigure us later.

Zazu and Geo: (blink blink) What?! NO! We are worms! Worthless worms! (run to get worm costume and put them on)

Zagato: (smirks) You got that right. (leaves and goes upstairs, where the fates were waiting)

Aska: Ahahaha! Cut the thread, Sang Yung! Do it!

Sang Yung: Aren't you reacting a bit too much, Lady Aska?

Aska: CUT IT!!

Sang Yung: (gulps) Okay. (he cuts a thread with scissors and Lafarga screams in a high pitched voice, then, the sound of a recorder is heard)  
  
Lafarga: I ain't happy, I'm feeling dead, I've got this song, stuck in my head, I'm useless, but not for long, the future is coming on…

Aska: Now that was terrifying…

Zagato: Hey, look at it this way, at least there are 5,000,000,001 people served.

Sang Yung: (rolls eyes) Yeah, and 99.9% of them was Lafarga dying over and over again.

Aska: Sad…Zagato, you were really desperate, weren't you?

Zagato: Don't look at me, I'm not the one cutting Lafarga's thread just so we could get dead people down here. But anyway, ladies! I am so sorry that I'm—

Aska: Late  
  
Elder: We knew you would be  
  
Sang Yung: (in a freaky voice) We know everything  
(a fake eye is being thrown about like a hot potato from each fate)  
  
Edler: Past  
  
Aska: Present  
  
Sang Yung: And future (to Zazu) Indoor plumbing - it's gonna be big.  
  
Geo: It's already big.

Zagato: Yeah, yeah. So I was at this party, and I lost track of--  
  
Fates: We know!  
  
Zagato: Yeah yeah, here's the deal. Clef, Mr High and Mighty, Mr. "Hey, you, get off my cloud," now he has--  
  
Aska: A bouncing baby brat. We know!  
  
Zagato: (loses temper) I know…you know! I know! I got it. I got the concept, sheesh.

Aska: Yes, but do you know that we know you know?

Zagato: SHUT UP ABOUT THAT ALREADY! (breathes for a few minutes and comes back to his calm expression) Is this kid gonna mess up my hostile takeover big, or what? What do you think?  
  
Elder: Um—Aska-sama, what do you say to that?

Aska: No.

Zagato: Just one…

Aska: NO!  
Sang Yung: But the script said…

Aska: Who wrote the script? ME!! Who can change it? ME!!

Zagato: Don't make me come over there and take the fake eyeball.

Aska: FINE! (does some hocus pocus)  
In 18 years precisely  
The planets will align  
Ever so nicely  
  
Zagato: (snores)  
  
Elder: The time to act will be at hand  
Unleash the Rune gods, your monstrous band  
  
Zagato: Ooh…now we're getting stylish.  
  
Sang Yung: Then the once-proud Clef will finally fall,  
And you, Zagato, will rule all!  
  
Clef: Hey, I didn't even reign that much yet! This is not fair! Even Zagato's playing a better part than I am!

Zagato: Yes! Zagato rules!!! Clef drools!!

Aska: A word of caution to this tale  
  
Zagato: Pardon?  
  
Aska: I SAID A WORD OF CAUTION TO THIS TALE!

Zagato: Oh, uhuh?

Sang Yung: Should Hercules fight, you will fail  
  
(the fates disappear)

Zagato: (blinks then his hair explodes) WHAT??! GARR!!

Geo: What's his problem?

Zazu: He ran out of hair gel?

Geo: Hmm…that's a possibility…

Zagato: Urgh…calm down, Zagato. 3-2-1, 1-2-3, what the heck is bothering me? (smiles) Ahhh, much better. (to Geo and Zazu) Geo. Zazu. How do you get rid of a god?

Geo: (brightens) I know! Ooh! Pick me!

Zagato: (sighs) What's the answer?

Geo: You steal Clef's wand and glomp 'em! Or…take the NSX and shoot like crazy! Or better yet, the FTO…

Eagle: HEY! LEAVE MY FTO OUT OF THIS!

Geo: Yeesh…

Zagato: Hey, not a bad idea…

Zazu: You can't kill a god. They're immortal, you idiots.

Geo and Zagato: Oh yeah….

Zagato: So, first, you to turn the little sunspot…MORTAL! With this bottle, Ascoteles' death shall prevail! AHAHAHAHA!

(the scene closes)

Zagato: Wait! I haven't finished laughing yet! NO!! STOP!!

Scene 4

(it's nighttime in Clef's castle, and Geo and Zazu are approaching the place with caution.)

Zazu: (sings loudly) I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and BRIGHT!

Geo: ZAZU! We're supposed to be quiet! Shh…

Eagle: (wakes up) Hey, what are you two doing here?

Geo: Oh, nothing, Eagle. We're only a figment of your imagination. Go back to sleep.

Eagle: Oh well…(sleeps)

Zazu: That was close…

(the two creep into Ascot's room and nab Ascot, leaving Mokona)

Clef: (hears the commotion) Aaah!! They ruined half of my castle!

Presea: (coming out from the bathroom) The baby!

(Clef and Presea run to Ascot's room and see…Mokona throwing papers around.)

Presea: (sweatdrop) Oh, that's right. They leave Mokona behind.

Clef: (sees the room in a mess) NOO!! Search everywhere! They will die for messing the room up!

Geo and Zazu: (flying with the baby)

Zazu: Oh, great, we blew Clef's temper. I told you not to go ahead and break things.

Geo: But it's not me! Ascoteles was blowing things up!

Ascot: WHERE'S MOKONA?!?!

Zazu: Shut up, kid! Come on, Geo, make him drink the bottle!

(Geo and Zazu shove the drink into Ascot's mouth)

Zazu: Should we kill him now?

Geo: No, we have to let him finish it. Every last drop…

Presea: Who's there?!

Geo and Zazu: Eyaah! (runs and hides, and the bottle spills)

Clef: (says monotonously) Oh, look, it's a baby…

Ascot: Hey, you two look awfully familiar…

Geo: Now, we can kill him… (gets into a snake outfit with Zazu)

Presea: Oh, no! The snake is getting to the baby!

Clef: Let it come…hehe…

Ascot: (grabs the end of the snake tail) DIE! (smacks the snake around the ground and ties it up) Take this! Take that! So long, suckers! (blasts them away)

Geo and Zazu: Looks like Geo and Zazu's blasting off again!

Clef: Hey, look, the medal on his hat says his name is Ascoteles. (bursts out laughing) What kind of idiot named their kid that?

Presea: You did.

Clef: (stops laughing) Oh, right.

(the Muses take over)

Hikaru: It was tragic. Clef led all the gods on a frantic search.

Tatra: But by the time they found the baby, it was too late.

Caldina: Huh? But Clef is holding the baby Ascot right now…

Fuu: They're supposed to be playing his "fake parent" right now.

Caldina: Oh, gotcha.

Tarta: Young Herc was mortal now  
But since he did not drink the last drop  
He still retained his godlike strength  
So thank his lucky stars

Caldina: Tell it, girl.

Hikaru: But Clef and Presea wept.

Because their son could never come home.

(At Olympus, another party is being thrown)

Tatra: Oh, why don't we have some tea?

Caldina: Can't you guys take your breaks before we start filming?

Tarta: They'd have to watch their precious baby  
Grow up from afar…

Caldina: Though Zagato's horrid plan

Was hatched before Ascot cut his first tooth!

Ascot: Can I ask a question? How come I am now back to my height in the first series?

Muses: We're singing!

Tarta: The boy grew stronger every day.

Clef: (smirks) Says who? He still looks puny to me.

Ascot: Will you stay out of this?

Presea: Clef, Clef, he's our man, if he can't do it, Ferio can.

Clef: Hey, who added that to the script?

Ferio: (snickers)

Muses: And that's the gospel truth.

Zagato: LIARS!

Muses: The gospel truth!

Zagato: Demons! How dare you sully my reputation!

Geo: Shoot the bad guy!

Mokona: Pu pu pu!

Clef: Uh…I think this is getting out of hand.

Tatra: (giggling) Look, Zagato's hair is blue!

Zagato: What? NOO!!! Not only am I being called evil, but now my hair is practically deformed!

Caldina: (unemotionally) In this movie, you are supposed to be evil.

Hikaru: And besides, your hair doesn't look that bad…

Tarta: (mutters) Yeah, right, you're only saying that because he looks like his brother, Lantis…

Lantis and Eagle: (snicker) Hehehe…

Zazu: I'm getting a craving for pretzels. Let's go to McDonald's!

Fuu: (sighs) Is the film still rolling?

Umi: Oh, I forgot to tell them to stop! (yells) CUT!!!

~ -.- This chapter was long, ne? Oh wellz, I'm still working on my next ones! Remember to review and tell me what you think! Ja ne!


	3. Scenes 5 and 6

~Finally! Another new chapter! READ READ READ!

Scene 5

(in the marketplace, Lafarga comes in)

Lafarga: Hey, I found the set! Sorry, I'm late, you guys.

Aska: Just go on and act, sheesh. Mokona! Play the theme!

Mokona: Pu pu pu! (the theme song to Indiana Jones starts playing)

Geo: (swings from a rope) Aaah! (hums to the theme song)

Aska: WRONG THEME!

Mokona: Pu pu pu…(plays the Hercules theme)

(Ascot is seen standing on his floating rock, with Clef pulling the wagon with Mokona on it.)

Clef: (huffing and puffing) Whoah, slow down, Ascoteles, you're not the one pulling the wagon, you know.

Mokona: Pu pu pu! (seems to be enjoying the ride)

Ascot: Hurry up! You're wasting my time!

Clef: Hey, you're supposed to be the strong one pulling this damn wagon!

Ascot: Hehe…okay…Vigor!

(the creature Ascot called out came and pushed the wagon quickly towards the center of the town dragging Clef from the ground)

Clef: Aaah! Slow down! Oof! Ouch! I want my mommy!

(Ascot stops and Clef is thrown out of the wagon, sliding towards the pillars)

Ascot: Oh, father, are you alright? I shouldn't have been so rough. Isn't that right, Mokona?

Mokona: Pu pu pu?

Ascot: Forget it. Should I unload the hay now?

Clef: NO!

Ascot: Okay…(sets the hay on fire) Oh…mother (beep!)

Umi: (gasps) Ascot!

Ascot: Um…somebody better put out the fire it burns everything.

(Everyone watches for an hour…)

Clef: (unemotionally) Too late to save the hay now…

Ascot: Oh well. That's one thing less to worry about.

Clef: Okay, son. (flinches) You better wait here, and remember…

Ascot: Yeah, yeah, stay away from the pillars. I might just blow them up.

Clef: Good boy…(leaves)

Ascot: (sees Lafarga having trouble with a large urn) Hey, mister, you need some help?

Lafarga: NO! KEEP AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK!!

Ascot: You're so mean!

(a bunch of boys are playing with a Frisbee, and it slides towards Ascot)

Ascot: Hey, can I play?

Lantis: Uh…well (looks at his friends)

Eagle: (nods)

Ferio: (smacks Eagle and shaked head)

Eagle: (also shakes head)

Lantis: Um…we already have uh…5 (shows 4 fingers) players…and…we wanna keep it an even number.

Ascot: (doesn't believe them) Are you kidding me? First of all, I only see 3 of you…and second of all, 5 isn't an even number!

Ferio: Well, too bad! (grabs Frisbee and runs) Ascoteles, who's ever heard of a name like that?

Eagle: Hey, I think it's okay…

Ferio: Who asked you?

Lantis: Come on! Let's go play Frisbee! I sound so stupid…(the three guys leave)

Ascot: Jerks…

Clef: (comes back) Hey, Ascoteles! It's safe to—

Ferio: Oh boy! Frisbee coming!

Ascot and Clef: I got it!

Clef: (gets knocked out by the force of the Frisbee and hits a pillar. The pillar makes a domino effect and the whole market falls)

Lafarga: Oh please don't! (tries to save his precious urns but slips and falls on Mokona) Aaaah!! My precious possessions!

Clef: My head hurts…

Ascot: Look what you did!

Lafarga: CLEF!!! THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!!

Ferio: (whispers) What is he talking about? This was the first time this has ever happened.

Lafarga: (points to Ascot) You get this…this…FREAK!! Away from here!

Lantis and Ferio: Yeah! GET HIM AWAY!

Ascot: Hey! I didn't do anything!

Eagle: (doesn't know what's going on)

Clef: He didn't? Uh…wait! He did! He ruined the marketplace!

Ascot: Thanks a lot, Father.

Lafarga: Ascoteles doesn't belong here!

Ascot: Oh, yes I do!

Lafarga: Oh no, you don't!

Ascot: Oh yes I do!

Ferio: No you don't!

Ascot: Oh no I don't!

Lafarga: Oh yes you do! Huh? Wait a minute!

Eagle: Hey! (smiles happily) I found the Frisbee! Let's go play!

Lantis and Ferio: (shrug) Okay!

Lafarga: A Frisbee? Ooh! Let me play, too!

Clef: Great, look at that, son. We're total outcasts because of you.

Ascot: But I didn't do anything!

Clef: Sure, that's what they all say…

Ascot: They are right, you are a freak.

Clef: They called you a freak, you freak!

Ascot: That's it! I know I don't belong to you. You're not my real parents.

Clef: What makes you say that?

Ascot: (takes a rock and tries to fling it in the water, but it hits Clef, making him unconscious) Oops…Oh well…(starts to sing) I have often dreamed of a far off place…

Lafarga: NO! STOP THE SINGING!!

Ascot: Of a far off place…(thinks of the Bahamas)

Where a great warm welcome will be waiting for me (visions of Indians around a fire swim around his head, and he sees himself in the middle) Er…that's a bad picture.

Mokona: Pu pu pu….

Ascot: Where the crowds will cheer (hears booing)

When they see my face (glass breaks and Lafarga screams in a high pitched voice)

And a voice keeps saying,

"This is where I'm meant to be!" (PU PU!)

I will find my way  
I can go the distance  
I'll be there someday  
If I can be strong  
I know every mile  
Will be worth my while  
I would go most anywhere to feel like I belong.

Clef: (finally comes back from consciousness) Son, come with me. There's something I gotta tell ya.

Presea: (finally appears) We're not your real parents.

Ascot: You aren't? YES!! Uh…I mean…who am I? Where am I? What am I?

Clef: We found a hat with your stupid name on it. I mean, you didn't think I would actually have you named Ascoteles, do you?

Ascot: Um…I guess not.

Presea: Go to the temple of Clef. You'll find your answers there.

Ascot: Clef? But, I thought…

Clef: Just go!

(Ascot leaves…and starts singing)

Ascot: I am on my way  
I can go the distance  
I don't care how far  
Somehow I'll be strong (someone throws a rock at him)

OW! I know every mile  
Will be worth my while  
I would go most everywhere to find where I belong.

Scene 6

(Ascot reaches Clef's temple and goes near Clef's humongous statue)

Ascot: Oh, mighty Clef, please help me. Where do I belong?

Clef: …

Ascot: Answer, dammit!

Clef: Lightning Call! (lightning strikes the statue, and Clef becomes a gigantic being) Hello, my little Ascoteles.

Ascot: (looks up) Whoah…now this is something new. I finally have to look up to you, eh, Clef?

Clef: (cackles evilly) What's the matter, kiddo? Don't know your own father?

Ascot: You're…my real father?

Clef: Who told you that? I look nothing like you!

Presea: CLEF!

Clef: (monotonously) Okay…(starts in a Darth Vader voice) Ascot…I…am…your…father…it's true…

Ascot: NOO!!! (falls to the floor, crying) And I thought I got rid of you…

Clef: Didn't know you had a famous father, didn't ya, son? SURPRISE!

Ascot: GET A BREATH MINT!

Clef: LET ME FINISH! (clears throat) You've got um…your mother's eyes and my er…strong chin?

Ascot: Really?

Clef: No.

Ascot: Jerk. (glares) At least I got my mother's genes in height.

Clef: SAY WHAT?!?!

Ascot: Oh, nothing. Hey, if you're a god, then that must mean I'm one, too!

Clef: Yeah, yeah, cut the crap already. Someone turned you mortal and now the only way you can get back into Mister High and Mighty is to become a true hero.

Ascot: And how do I do that?

Aska: (holds up a sign at the back saying, "If you save her, you will become.")

Clef: First, go to…Ferioctetes, the trainer of all heroes and beat him to a pulp. Then after that eat a dozen cheeseburgers.

Ascot: Okay, father, I won't let you down!

Clef: Whoah…hold your horses! Which reminds me…MOKONA GET OVER HERE!

Ascot: How do horses remind you of Mokona?

Clef: I have no idea…

Mokona: Pu pu pu!

Ascot: Okay, come on, Mokona! Let's start our adventures!

Mokona: Pu pu pu?

Clef: I must warn you…he's the size of an egg and has a brain of a macaroni.

Ascot: Oh, thanks, father.

Mokona: PU!

Ascot: (starts with his song) I will beat the odds! (jumps on Mokona and squashes the creature) Oh, what kind of pet are you? Beast Summon! (a bird appears)

Clef: So long, sucker! I mean, son! (thunderbolt and then Clef disappears)

Ascot: I can go the distance  
I will face the world  
Fearless, proud and strong (sees a cliff) AHH!! WATCH IT! NO!!! TURN! THE OTHER WAY!! AAAAAAHHHH!! (loud smack)

Ferio: Better check if he's okay…

Ascot: (singing weakly)  
I will please the gods (Clef snickers)  
I can go the distance  
Till I find my hero's welcome right where I belong

~ Well? How is it so far? I'm going about this really slowly, though....so many fanfics to write! Anyway, thank you for reading!


	4. Scenes 7 and 8

Scene 7

(Ascot finally lands on the island, with Mokona right behind him)

Ascot: (sees Ferio's rear and peeks at what he's looking at behind the bushes) Hello, nurses!

(Umi, Hikaru, and Fuu are frolicking in the pond.)

Ferio: Shut up! They'll hear you!

Umi: Aaah! Ferio! Ascot! Run!!

Ferio: No! Ladies! (runs after Umi, who turns into water, then Fuu, who turns into a tree) Oh, you guys are no fun.

Fuu: PERVERT! (smacks Ferio)

Ascot: Hey, where's Hikaru? (looks around and sees…LAFARGA!)

Lafarga: What? Did you really think Hikaru wanted to frolick around? I was her stunt…

Ferio: (shudders)

Ascot: (to Ferio) Um…I'm looking for a guy named Ferioctetes.

Ferio: (while taking a bite of the chocolate bowl, he spits everything out) Who the hell gave me that DAMN NAME?!!

Ascot: Um…well Clef…

Ferio: Damn it! Call me Ferio!

Mokona: Pu pu pu!

Ferio: (glares at Mokona) Mokonas! I hate them!

Ascot: Yes, well, Ferio. I was wondering if you could train me to be a hero.

Ferio: Twenty words- Get lost kid because I'm going to smack you with a big ruler and that large sword I always carry.

Ascot: (counts his fingers) Hey! It is twenty words!

Ferio: I ain't no stoo-pigeon.

Ascot: But, Ferio, if I don't become a hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my father Clef!

Ferio: (disbelieving) Clef? He's your father?

Ascot: I know, it's hard to believe, but it's the truth!

Ferio: (bursts out in laughter) He's your dada? Master Mage Clef?! (keeps laughing and imitates mini Ascot) Daddy, tell me a story…Hahaha! (imitates Clef, poorly) Once upon a time…I can't carry this book! It's too big for my small height! Ahahaha!

Ascot: Look, I really…

Clef: (sees what is happening) Why, that—

Presea: Now, Clef…

Ferio: Look, I don't care if Emeraude is your sister. That's because she's my sister, and I have 2 words for you…

Clef: YOU DIE!!! (throws lightning bolt at Ferio)

Ferio: Okay, Ascoteles, you win. Oh gods, oi vay…

Ascot: Yeah!

Ferio: (breaks into song)

I'd given up hope that someone would come along  
A fella who'd ring the bell for once not the gong (sees Ascot banging a bell and throws something at him)

STOP THAT!

Ascot: Ehehe…sorry…

Ferio: The kind who wins trophies  
Won't settle for low fees  
At least semipro fees

(at this point, a bunch of bird droppings fall on his head, and he gets very mad) WHO THE HELL IS DOING THAT?!?!?!

Fuu: They're called birds, Ferio. Birds!

Ferio: WHAT?!?!

Fuu: You're standing in the bird section! They're getting mad!

Ferio: OH NO!! MY OUTFIT! (a bird pecks him in the eye) MY EYE!

Ascot: RUN!

Ferio: BUT NO, I GET THE GREENHORN!

(pants, and finally gets to a quiet green pasture)

I've been out to pasture, pal, my ambition gone  
Content to spend lazy days and to graze my lawn  
(he looks behind him and sees a charging bull) AAAAAH!!!

Ascot: Um…do you need any help?

Ferio: No! I can handle this! (takes out his sword and slices the bull in two) Ahh….much better…

Aska: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A KID MOVIE! YOU'RE BRUTALLY KILLING ANIMALS!

Ferio: Well, tell them to GET OUT OF MY DAMN WAY!

(clears throat) Now, where was I? Oh, right…

But you need an advisor  
A satyr, but wiser  
A good merchandiser and (tries to help Ascot levitate a huge piece of rock, but Ascot drops it on top of Ferio's head) -- WHOA! THERE GOES MY ULCER!

(a few minutes later, after Ferio has been cleaned and rested)

Ferio: (sings faintly) I'm down to one last hope and I hope it's you (points at Mokona)  
Though, kid, you're not exactly a dream come true (Ascot took Ferio's hand and points at himself)  
I trained enough turkeys

Turkeys: GOBBLE GOBBLE!

Ferio: WHO PUT THESE ANIMALS OVER HERE?!

Hikaru: Oh, that was supposed to be dinner!

Ferio: (glares at Ascot, who smiles) Who never came through  
You're my only last hope  
So you'll have to do!

(scene fades and reopens to an outdoor court, with Ferio and Ascot out in the training grounds)

Ferio: Rule #6- When rescuing someone like Fuu, always handle with care. Or else she'll knock you off your broom and you're dead.

Ascot: (gulps and tries to rescue the imaginary Fuu but falls in the water)

Ferio: Fuu! Are you okay? Okay, next! (now, he's teaching Ascot to throw magic balls) Rule #95- CONCENTRATE!

Ascot: How can I when you're screaming right at my ear?!

Ferio: DO IT!

Ascot: (throws the magic balls and blasts a piece of a tree) There! Happy?!

Ferio: Rule #96- AIM! (points to a bunch of targets bunched together on the other side)

Demigods have faced the odds and ended up a mockery  
Don't believe in the stories that you read on all the crockery  
Ascot: Okay, okay, will you let me concentrate now?

(scene fades again and opens inside a small shop)

Ferio: (has a French hat on and is holding a paint brush) To be a true hero, kid, is a dying art  
Like painting a masterpiece (starts to scribble a bunch of lines) it's a work of heart  
Ascot: Uh…what's that supposed to be?

Ferio: Can't you tell? It's a tree! What's yours supposed to be? (a look at Ascot's painting and his mouth opens wide)

Ascot: It's supposed to depict Umi fighting with Tatra in their outfits. This was the part where Tatra first plunges in for the attack… (and, true enough, it was the picture)

Ferio: Ah…shaddup!

It takes more than sinew  
Comes down to what's in you  
You have to continue  
To grow!  
(smacks Ascot's head and sprinkles him with water) GROW DAMMIT!

Ascot: FERIO! (gets even taller than before) YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!

Ferio: Now that's more like it!  
(sings and opens up the hardest obstacle course he could afford) I'm down to one last shot and my last high note  
Before that blasted underworld gets my coat

Ascot: What do you want me to do with that jumprope? Use it as a weapon?

Ferio: Ehehe….(throws the jumprope out of the way) Forget the jumprope.  
My dreams are on you, kid  
Go make 'em come true (pushed Ascot to the edge of the cliff)

Ascot: AAAAH!!!

Ferio: Climb that uphill slope  
Keep pushing that envelope  
Ascot: Ferio! This is impossible! (he screams as he is getting chased by sharks and a ball of stone is floating on top of him, ready to pound him to pieces) AAAH!!

Ferio: You're my one last hope

And, kid, it's up to…

HEY! Where'd he go? (looks around and sees Ascot behind him, breathing calmly) Ehehe…how ya doin' kid? Um…are you okay?

Ascot: Did you see that?! I better get to Mount Cephiro by this time…

Ferio: Alright, just take it easy, champ… first, we're going to practice archery.

Ascot: Archery? You never taught me how to shoot an arrow!

Ferio: Well, if Fuu could do it, then you can, too!

(hours later in the practice yards, Ferio is eating a Snickers bar)

Ferio: Hungry? Why wait? Have a Snickers! (bites into bar) This is so boring. Can't you ever get this bow and arrow thing right?

Ascot: (angry) How can I when you're not even teaching me anything?

Ferio: Uh…well…rule number whatever…AIM!

Ascot: Thanks for the rule…AGAIN! Sheesh…

Mokona: Pu pu pu!

Ascot: Where have you been? Okay, I'm ready now! Can we go to Thebes?

Ferio: You are so not ready. Get back to work!

Ascot: VIGOR!

Ferio: (chuckles nervously) Okay, we're ready. MOKONA!

Mokona: Pu pu pu! (forehead glitters and a flying contraption appears)

Ascot: (looks suspicious) Is that even safe?

Ferio: Who cares? I'm not riding it, you are!

Scene 8

(Ascot is humming, to Ferio's annoyance)

Ascot: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts…dee dee dee dee…

Ferio: Will you shut up? You're getting on my nerves…(bites a Milky Way) Geeze, why am I even riding with you?

Ascot: Because Clef threatened you again.

(they hear a woman scream…well…they hear Lafarga's high-pitched scream)

Ferio: (blank) Oh, sounds like someone dying.

Ascot: Must be Lafarga.

(they hear another scream)

Ascot: Someone's in trouble! Mokona! Let's go!

Ferio: Sounds like your basic U.I.D! Aaah! Not too fast! It's only Umi In Distress!

Ascot: Umi? Faster, Mokona!

Mokona: Pu pu pu!

(Umi is running from Lantis dressed up as a centaur with Lafarga being at the end)

Lantis: (monotonously) Wait, you haven't answered yet.

Lafarga: Damn it, Lantis! You suck as an extra! Say it with more emotion!

Lantis: Gotcha! (grabs Umi) Ooh…I like them fiery! Uh…I mean…yeah…

Hikaru: (jealous) Lantis…

Lantis: It's only a movie, Hikaru.

Hikaru: Okay…

Umi: Put me down, you animal!

Lantis: Okay, just because I'm dressed like this does not mean I'm an animal, missy. This insult will not be looked unpunished.

Ascot: You're right, Ferio! It is Umi in trouble!

Ferio: Who cares? You're going to stay here and…Hey! Where are you going?! Get back here!

Ascot: (goes to Umi) Um…excuse me, Lantis, but you're going to have to unhand the lady.

Umi, Lantis, and Lafarga: Stay out of this!

Ascot: But, Umi, I thought you were in trouble? Hey, wait a minute…Is Lafarga in there, too?

Umi: (struggling) My name's Umi, I'm in distress, I can handle this, really.

Ascot: Really? Look, miss, you can just calm down, sir, I am asking you again, please put Umi down—

Lantis: Lightning Call!

Ascot: Hey! How dare you use my father's magic!

Clef: Morons…I taught him, you know.

Ferio: Humph…they don't listen, do they?

Lafarga: Let go of Umi, Lantis! The fight is on!

Ascot: Eww…no wonder you're both cranky…hey, Lafarga, how are you able to breath?

Lafarga: Ram into him, Lantis!

Lantis: Don't look at me, you're the feet.

Lafarga: That's it! I'm starting another brawl! (rams into Ascot and Umi flies out)

Ascot: (catches Umi) Are you okay, miss?

Umi: No thanks to you!

Ferio: (snickers)

Umi: What are you laughing at?

Ferio: Oh, nothing.

Ascot: Well, you wait here. I've got other business to attend to. Bring it on, Lantis and Lafarga!

Mokona: Pu pu pu! (plays the Death march theme)

Lafarga: Oh geeze, that's great music to hear.

Aska: (lauging) Yes! I might be able to cut another string!

Lafarga: Oh, no, not me again…

Ascot: Beast Summon! Yaah! (blasts horse costume away)

Lantis: NO! After all that work, you blew it in a matter of seconds!

Ferio: How much time did Lantis spend on that stupid horse costume?

Umi: (chuckles) 5 years.

Ferio and Umi: (blinks) AHAHAHA!

Lantis: DIE, ASCOT! LIGHTNING CALL!

Ascot: Aaah!

Lafarga: Oh, I've lost my oxygen…

Aska: Sang Yung! Scissors! (the sound of cut thread is heard, and Lafarga's scream is heard again)

Lafarga: Oops…I did it again…

Everyone: AAAH!

Aska: That's 1,000,000,002!

Elder: No, anything but that!

Umi: Hey! Lantis, you hurt Ascot!

Ascot: Oh, no, I'm fine. Don't worry…

Ferio: Hey! Get your sword!

Ascot: That's right! A hero's only as good as his weapon! (grabs a fish and starts squirting water at Lantis' eyes)

Umi: Stop! You've killed the fish!

Ascot: Oops…

Fish: Under the sea…under…the…ack!

Aska: Sang Yung! Scissors! Muahahaha!

Sang Yung: Poor fishie…

Lantis: You can't stop me with your mere childish games! Now prepare to suffer!

Umi: (getting angry) Is this guy for real?!

Ferio: Yeah, well, he'll do!

Umi: That's it. I'm stopping this right now.

Ferio: Aw…I wanted to see who would die next.

Umi: (goes over to Lantis and Ascot) Time's up! Break it up!

Ascot and Lantis: We're not done yet!

Umi: Mizu no Ryu!

Ascot and Lantis: Ah!

Lantis: I'm melting! Oh, what a world! Aaah!

Ascot: (blank) Lantis, stand up, you're alive.

Lantis: Oh, right. (raises a white flag) I give up! Aska, cut my thread already!

Aska: My pleasure! Sang Yung!

Sang Yung: Yes, Aska-sama.

Lantis: (screams) They're coming to take me away! They're coming to take me away!

Elder: The count is 1,000,000,004…

Ascot: Wow, miss, you weren't kidding when you said you could handle the situation.

Umi: Well, I am a Magic Knight.

Ascot: Oh…um…okay.

Umi: My name's Umi. Friends call me Umi, well at least they would if I had any friends.

Ascot: What's the difference?

Umi: I don't know. Ask Clef. So, did they give you a name along with those rippling pectorals? (flings her hair)

Ascot: (Uh…um…)

Umi: (sarcastically) Are you always this articulate?

Ascot: Hercules!

Umi: What?

Ascot: My name is Ascoteles.

Umi: Gee, that's nice.

Ascot: So, what brought you into Lantis' clutches.

Umi: Oh, he was dancing the Macarena and I told him he sucked.

Ascot: No wonder he attacked you…

Umi: And what brings you in the company of a marshmallow and a pervert?

Ferio: HEY!

Mokona: PU PU PU!

Ascot: Clef made me…

Umi: Aw…that's too bad.

Ascot: So, do you need a ride?

Ferio: Hell, no! We have no room!

Umi: That's okay, I'm a big strong girl. I can handle these things. Well, Ascot, it's been a real slice.

Ascot: Okay.

Ferio: Let's go!! (grabs Ascot and leaves with Mokona)

Umi: Yess…peace and quiet. (sees two oversized animals) Aw…how uncute. Who are you trying to fool?

Geo: Hey! I'm a BUNNY!

Zazu: Yeah, and I'm a squirrel!

Umi: No wonder I smelled a rat.

Zagato: Umi…

Umi: What do you want?

Zagato: Umi, my little flower, my little bird, my little dragoness, Umi.

Umi: Okay, enough adjectives, Zagato.

Zagato: (starting to get angry) What exactly happened here? I thought you were going persuade Lantis and Lafarga to join my team for the uprising, and here I am, kind of Lantis and Lafarga-less.  
Umi: Look, I tried my best, but unfortunately, he got angry because I made fun of him when he was dancing the Macarena.

Zagato: Okay, that's it! You've got two more years of becoming my servant!

Umi: It wasn't my fault. Ascoteles killed Lantis and Lafarga. Well, really, Aska did with the scissors, but everyone seems to want to blame Ascot and so here I am.

Zazu: Ascoteles…(starts to panic) Why does that name ring a bell?

Geo: Maybe we had to fix his machine? Or maybe it was the money? Or maybe…

Zagato: What was that name again?

Umi: Ascoteles, are you deaf? He comes on with this big, innocent farm boy routine but while trying to save me, he not only got me soaking wet but he killed your brother!

Geo: Wait a minute, wasn't Ascoteles the name of the person we were supposed to…

Zazu: OH NO!

Zagato: (hair bursts into flame and grabs Geo and Zazu) So you took care of him, huh? Dead as a door nail. Weren't those your exact words?

Geo: Well, we can explain. Maybe Umi was hallucinating. You know, with the water and all, it probably got to her brains…

Zazu: Remember, a few years ago every other boy said they had schizophrenia and the girls pretended they all had hallucination?

Zagato: I'm supposed to rearrange the cosmos, and this is what I get?! WHAT KIND OF MOVIE IS THIS?! (explodes and his power shoots out, burning the whole set)

Umi: (pulls Lafarga in front of her, and Lafarga gets hit) The kind where enemies always end up losing kind of movie.

Lafarga: …(the sounds of scissors cutting and his high pitched scream) I'M LONELY, OH SO LONELY…(the sound of Geo's gunshot)

Geo: Ahh…finally, I hit right…

Umi: No, you dolt, you hit the tree. The tree fell on Lafarga. That's why he's stopped.

Zagato: (smiles) Fortunately for you three, we can still right wrongs and triumph over evil. 'Cuz we are Sailor Moon, the champions of justice!

Umi, Geo, and Zazu: …


	5. Scenes 9 and 10

Scene 9

(Mokona's ship is landing, well, er…actually, is falling)

Ascot: AAAAH!! Is that the whole town?

Ferio: (bites into a Musketeer) One town. A million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The big olive itself. (in a sing-song voice) If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. It's up to you, New Thebes! New Thebes! (New York song starts to play) Start spreading the news…

Crowds: SHUT UP!

Ferio: FINE! (stomps off….with Ascot right behind him) Stick with me, this city is a dangerous place…

(they almost get hit by a storming turkey)

Lafarga: LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOIN' YA GOIN' NUMBSKULL!

Ferio: HEY! I'M WALKIN' HERE! (to Ascot, who was backing away cautiously) You see what I mean? These people here are wackos.

Lantis: Pizza, pizza, get your fresh made pizza here!

Ferio: No, that's ok.

(they keep walking, and they walk down the stairs, where a cloaked figure is turned back)

Lantis: Psst….hey, mack, (opens up his cloak)

Ferio: AAH!! NO I DON'T WANT YOU TO STREAK!

Lantis: You wanna buy a sundial?

Ascot: Lantis? But I thought you were over there? (points at selling booth where Ascot turns around and sees another Lantis) What?

Lantis: So, you wanna buy a sundial?

Ferio: We're not interested, sheesh. Come on, Ascot.

(they keep walking and then they see Lantis with a trash can for his clothes)

Lantis: The end is coming! (grabs Mokona and squeezes) Can't you feel it?

Mokona: PUU!!!

Ferio: Yes, yes, thank you for that small bit of information. If we had brains, we'll think about it for a while. (pulls Ascot away from the crazy Lantises walking around) Just stare at the sidewalk. People here are nuts.

Ascot: But we've only seen Lantis and Lafarga. I mean, we haven't seen all the people here.

Ferio: (turns to Ascot and smirks) That's because the population is made up of Lantises and Lafargas. Why do you think this city is filled with troubles?

Lantis: (from afar) Hey, I heard that!

Ferio: Like I said, just stare at the sidewalk, and don't make eye contact. Trust me, kid, getting rid of them is just what the doctor ordered.

(a group of Lantises and Lafargas are talking in a bunch)

Lantis: It was tragic! We lost everything in the fashion disaster.

Lafarga: Everyone except old Primera here. (picks up Primera, who was dressed weirdly)

Lantis: Hey, how'd you get her?

Primera: Lantis! Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you!

Lantis: (groans) You should have burned her when you had a chance.

Lafarga: …Anyway, were the fires before or after the earthquake?

Primera: They were after the earthquake, I remember. I was there…

Lantis: (mutters) Should have stayed…

Lafarga: But before the flood!

Primera: I was there, too.

Lantis: Funny how Aska didn't cut your thread yet.

Aska: Funny, I tried, but I'm afraid her scream might kill all of us.

Lafarga: Oh, don't let me start naming out the crime rates.

Lantis: Yeah, I mean, with the fashion crisis here, you would wonder how much of the fashion police is walking around.

Lafarga:…Lantis, there are only us in this city.

Lantis: Exactly.

Primera: Thebes has certainly gone downfall in a hurry.

Lafarga: Yeah, and we just started the city this morning.

Lantis: All we need now is a plague of singing marshmallows.

Primera: (scratches head) But Mokona doesn't sing…

(Mokona is seen running in the background, followed by Jigglypuff and Clefairy)

Mokona: Pu pu pu!

Jigglypuff: (in a sing-song voice) Jigglypuff!

Clefairy: (waving hands in the air) Clefairy! Clefairy!

Lantis and Lafarga: …AAAAHHHH!!!!!!

Primera: That's it! I'm moving to Chizeta!

Ascot: Hey, need any help? Call Ascoteles!

Lantis: Yeah, and who are you?

Ascot: (rolls eyes) Who else? Ascoteles! I'm your solution to this problem!

Lafarga: Is that so? C'est dommage!

Lantis: I really think you've got that French language stuck for good, Lafarga.

Lafarga: Why, merci.

Lantis: Alright, already, just shut up.

Primera: A hero?

Lafarga: Listen, have you ever saved a town before from a fashion crisis?

Ascoteles: Not really…but I—

Lantis: Have you ever tried to burn Primera?

Ascoteles: No, but I'll do it now if you want me to.

Primera: Hey!

Lafarga: Oh, listen to this, he's just another one of Ferio's kids. The ones that aren't really good at anything except saving Umi.

Primera: That's a laugh.

Ferio: Don't you pea brains get it? This kid is a genuine article! He's the son of Clef for goodness' sakes!

Lantis and Lafarga: (blink blink) …AHAHAHAHA! CLEF'S A DADDY!

Clef: (from afar) …(sweatdrop)

Lantis: Hey, isn't that Ferioctetes?

Ferio: (getting angry) Watch it, pal…

Lafarga: Yeah, you're right. (starts to laugh) Hey, (elbows Lantis and laughs) nice name! It really fits you!

Ferio: I got your name right here! (jumps on Lafarga and starts to beat him up with the blunt end of his sword) I'm going to dice you up like a cabbage!

Ascot: (stands and watches, enjoying this) This is really funny…

Fuu: Hey, Ferio! Ferio! Take it easy!

Ferio: You're lucky Fuu saved your big fat arse, punk…

Lafarga: What are you crazy?! I thought I was going to die, again!

Primera: (to Ascot) Young man, we need a professional Palu. Not an amateur.

Ascot: Oh, now you want a Palu?

Primera: Isn't that what everyone was looking for?

Lafarga: Where does Primera get all these ideas?

Ascot: Wait, this is my movie! How am I supposed to make this my movie if nobody will give me a chance?

Ferio: You'll get your chance, you just need some kind of catastrophe or disaster.

(Umi comes running and pushing the crowd of Lantises and Lafargas)

Umi: GET OUT OF MY WAY! I NEED HELP! NOW!

Ascot: Umi?

Ferio: Ay, speaking of disasters…

Umi: What did you say?!

Ferio: Oh, nothing…

Umi: Ascoteles! Thank goodness you're here with Mokona! Wait, where is Mokona?

Ascot: What's wrong?

Umi: (rolls eyes) Outside of town, two "little" boys were playing in the gorge. There was a "small" rockslide that knocked the bejesus out of one of them, and the smaller one can't carry his friend out. So, they're trapped and with no pizza to eat.

Ascot: Trapped? No pizza? Ferio, this is great!

Umi: Man, talk about excited…

Ascot: Come on, Umi!

Umi: What? What makes you think I'm coming with you? (gets carried by one of Ascot's summoned pets) AAAH! WAIT! I'M NOT READY TO DIE YET!

Ferio: (starts to run after them) Oh, yeah, save her, and LEAVE THE GOAT!

Ascot: YOU'RE NOT A GOAT!

Ferio: WELL SCREW YOU! I'LL WALK!

(Ascot's pet lands and Ascot and Umi dismount, with Umi glaring at him)

Ascot: Er…are you alright?

Umi: Oh, yeah, sure. I'm fine. Just dragged back here so the wacko dead guy could boss me around again, huh?

Ascot: What are you talking about?

Umi: Never mind. Get on with your heroic business.

(inside the cave two "little" boys could be heard screaming)

Zazu: Help! He can't breathe!

Geo: HELP! I CAN'T BREATHE!

Zazu: Hurry!

Geo: HURRY!

Zazu: I'm saying those lines! SHUT UP AND DIE ALREADY!

Geo: I'm hungry!

Zazu: Somebody call Pizza Hut!

Ascot: I'm coming! (he's carrying a huge box of stuffed crust cheese pizza and places it outside of the boulder) I have the pizza!

Geo: Yeah!

Zazu: (rolls eyes) Gee, we can't seem to eat the pizza if THE BOULDER IS STILL HERE!

Ascot: (scratches head) Oh, right……(summons one of his friends and the beast lifted the boulder out of the way) Are you…KIDS…alright?

Geo: (grabs the box of pizza and starts to eat) Yum! Pizza! With extra CHEESE!

Zazu: Yeah, yeah, let's go. Before more trouble gets us. Anyway, thank you, mister. We should be going now.

(Geo and Zazu run to the top of the cliff, where Zagato was standing)

Zazu: "With extra cheese?"

Geo: (poses) I was going for 'hungry and innocent'!

Zagato: You guys sucked. I think the only reason why Ascoteles actually went to the cave was because Umi told him to. Now she's getting all the credit.

(the Lantises and Lafargas hiss and 'boo' at Ascot)

Lafarga: That was nothing! Lantis over here could've blasted that rock into smithereens!

Lantis: I can? YEAH! I can!

Umi: (mutters under her breath) Yeah, well, wait until you see the giant Sang Yung that Aska created for this scene…

Aska: (laughing hysterically in the background)

(The giant Sang Yung comes stomping out)

Ascot: Er…what the heck is that?!

Ferio: (runs in, after walking so far to get to the cave, he sees the giant Sang Yung and runs back to where he just came from) AAAAIIIIIII!!!!!!!!

Ascot: No! Wait! Ferio! What is that thing?!

Ferio: Nine words! Better run now before it bites your head--! (trips) AAAH!!! I DON'T WANNA DIE!

Zagato: MUAHAHAHAHA!

Ascot: (stands there, looking at the creature) Hmmm….interesting.

Aska: Giant Sang Yung! What are you doing standing there? ATTACK!

Sang Yung: (sweatdrop)

Ascot: (walks behind the giant Sang Yung and pulls a cork out) Here it is!

(the giant Sang Yung gets deflated quickly)

Umi: Hey, that was easy.

Lantis and Lafarga: BOO!

Ferio: Hey, Ascot, don't fret. At least they gave you a more enthusiastic boo this time.

Geo: (still eating pizza) Whoa! This is exciting!

Zagato: (yawns) Wait till you get to the part where the Djinn appear.

(True enough, the Djinn do appear and cause more havoc)

Ascot: AAH! Beast Summon!

Tarta: (grumbles offstage) I hope he doesn't hurt them too much….

(Ascot and the two Djinn are fighting all over the place.)

Geo: Spike it! Spike it! Come on!

Zazu: The thing is right there! Just spike it!

Zagato: AAARGH!! HE HAD A CHANCE TO SPIKE IT! AND HE LET THE OTHER TEAM GET ANOTHER POINT!

(At this point, you notice that Zagato, Zazu, and Geo are watching a volleyball game)

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

(The Djinn sucked Ascot in with his friend and everyone thought all hope was lost)

Ferio: Well, at least I can go back to my island eating Snickers and Kit Kat…

Ascot: (pops out and from the Djinn, who get blasted away) I WIN! You gotta admit, this is pretty heroic for a Palu!

Primera: Yay! He did it!

Lantis and Lafarga: (mutter mutter)

Umi: Well, what do you know? He did it (smiles)

Zagato: (finally sees that Ascot has won) NOO!!!! How can this be?! (glares at Geo and Zazu)

Geo: Hey, want a pizza?

Zazu: …(still upset over the volleyball game that his team just lost)

Scene 10

(the Muses come along)

Fuu: (smiles) From that day forward, our boy Ascoteles could do no wrong. He was so hot, steam looked cool.

Caldina: Oh yeah! That's my Ascot fo' ya!

Hikaru: (starts to sing) Bless my soul! Ascot's on a roll,

Person of the week in every Cephirean poll

Lantis: (mutters) Yeah, worst person of the week in the Cephirean poll…

Ascot: (glares)

Tatra: (giggles) What a pro!

Fuu: Ascot could stop a show,

Point him at a monster and we're talking S.R.O!

(The muses see Ascot screaming as he is being squeezed by another one of Aska's creations. They have large sweatdrops on their heads and continue singing)

Muses: He was a no one  
A zero, zero

Ferio: (scoffs) He still is now.

Muses: Now he's a honcho  
He is a hero!  
(they hear maniacal laughter from somewhere)  
He was a kid with his act down path  
From zero to hero in no time flat  
Zero to hero

Fuu: Just like that. (snaps fingers)

Muses: When he smiled the girls went wild with "oohs and aahs"

A small group of Ascot fans: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! (swoons)

Caldina: And they slapped his fase on every vase.

Tarta: (glares) On every "vahse"!

Ferio: Literally slapped his face… (sees Ascot's face with bruises)

Muses: From appearance fees and royalties  
Our Ascot had cash to burn (coins start falling, heavy coins that knocked out some people on the set)  
Now nouveau rich and famous  
He could tell you what's a grecian urn!

Ascot: Uh…it's a vase?

Tarta: "VAHSE!"

Muses: Say amen  
There he goes again (points Ascot running from a crowd of monsters)  
Sweet and underrated

Tarta: (says unenthusiastically while holding up a 10 sign) And an awesome ten for ten

Muses: Folks lined up just to watch him flex

Caldina: And this perfect package packed a pair of pretty pecs

Ascot: (looks at a doll of him) Hey! I look good!

Muses: Ascot, he comes, he sees, he conquers (Ascot runs to the other side)  
Honey, the crowds were goin' bonkers (BOO!)

He showed the moxie brains and spunk -- yeah! (Ascot climbed a tree)  
From zero to hero  
A major hunk  
Zero to hero

Hikaru: And who'd have thunk...  
(the Muses start dancing. While Eagle is spicing it up by playing as the DJ)

Eagle: Let's go, ladies!

Hikaru: Who put the glad in gladiator?

Muses: Ascoteles! (they hear him scream)

Tarta: Who's darin' deeds are great theater?

Muses: Ascoteles! (Lantis and Lafarga are eating popcorn as they watch Ascot get chased by monsters)

Fuu: Isn't he bold?

Muses: No one braver! (runs cowering behind Hikaru)

Tatra: Is he sweet?

Muses: Our favorite flavor! Ascoteles, my man

Tarta: Ascoteles…

Fuu: Ascoteles…

Hikaru: Ascoteles! Get off me!

Caldina: Look at my Ascoteles… (they decide not to look, in fear of seeing him screaming for his mommy)

Tatra: Ascoteles…

Fuu: Ascoteles…

Muses: Bless my soul, Ascot's on a roll  
Undefeated, riding high

Tatra: (giggles again) And the nicest guy (she sees him taking a bat and repeatedly smacking Lafarga with it)

Muses: Not conceited  
He was a nothing, zero, zero  
Now he's a honcho, he's our hero!  
He hit the heights at breakneck speed

Ferio: Yeah, after running from that monster…

Muses: From zero to hero  
Ascot's a hero  
Now he's a hero!!!

Fuu: Yes, indeed. (winks)

(song stops and people are clapping)

Ferio: Wonderful! Brilliant! Spectacular! Fuu, you were great!


	6. Scenes 11 to 14

Scene 11

(Zagato is sitting on a bunch of Ascoteles plushies, sipping some margarita and eating tacos)

Zazu: Want more Ascoteles plushies to squish?

Zagato: No, I think it's time to face some more dramatic action. (stands up and starts jumping on them) Take that! And that! AND THAT!

Umi: Er…nice stomping, Zaggie.

Geo: Zaggie?!

Zagato: I can't believe this guy! I do my best to ruin him, and not even his plushies are harmed! (pulls a plushie out and it's still in mint condition.)

(everyone snickers)

Ferio: (whispers) I made sure to laminate the plushie in case someone like Zagato got any ideas…

Fuu: That was good thinking.

Zagato: WHAT?! Argh! I've got 24 hours to get rid of this jerk and what do I see here? HIS MERCHANDISE!!!

Zazu: Um…that's because you bought them, sir.

Geo: Zazu's right, you know.

Zagato: (glares at them and they shut up) What buffoons.

Umi: Looks like it's over for you, Zagato. Ascot's invincible!

Zagato: Wait! I've got an idea! Why don't we hide inside a wooden horse, give Ascoteles a box full of insects, and then run?

Umi: (yawns) Too bad, Zaggie, the Greeks beat you to it.

Zagato: How about you go talk to him then? You seem to have some good ideas.

Umi: Actually, I do, but I don't want to ask him.

Zagato: And why not?

Umi: You have to say please. And you have to sign my contract saying that I'm free, of course.

Zagato: Deal!

Umi: Ok!

Scene 12

(in Clef's temple, Ascot and Mokona are playing hand games)

Ascot: You should've seen me, father! I—

Clef: (rolls eyes) Yeah, I saw everything. The humiliation… how the Djinn mangled you, how you were grappled with the giant Sang Yung, and how you tried to analyze the situation but ended up being hit by a rock. Now that brought cheers from the crowd, they thought you were dead at the time, though…

Ascot: Hey!

Clef: (smiling brightly) You're doing great, son! Keep up the suicidal work and you'll be sure to get over to Mount Cephiro!

Ascot: Yes! I've been waiting for this day!

Clef: Oh, wait a minute. I said keep up the great work. I didn't say you could come in yet. Now go out there and fulfill your mission!

Ascot: But…but…I've done every single thing imaginable! I'm…I'm a laminated plushie!

Ascot fans: (grab a horde of Ascoteles plushies and squeezes them) SOOO CUTE!!

Clef: Well, that's not saying much, son.

Ascot: Fine! You'll regret this! (stomps out)

Clef: Oh, you forgot your string of admirers and the stupid laminated plushies! (picks one up) Hey, it is a bit cute… (the plushie bites him) HEY!

Ferio: (snickers even more) I guess Clef's got the defect plushie…

Fuu: Ferio…

Scene 13

(a bus filled with Ascot fans pass the Ascoteles gates)

Lafarga: (bored) And here we pass the gates of your beloved Ascoteles, embarrassing Beast Summoner I've seen so far…

Ascot fans: HEY! (attack Lafarga in the bus and decide to climb the gates to get to Ascot)

(inside the mansion, which was probably Clef's castle, torn down, Ascot is drinking lemonade while Ferio was running around doing some chores)

Ascot: Okay, so what's happening all around me?

Ferio: Nothing really. Just some fans wanting to get an autograph, I think.

Ascot: What? You mean my schedule isn't busy?

Ferio: Well, you did snag a piece of a cover story for the Cephirean times.

Ascot: Really?

Ferio: Yeah (holds up paper) Headliner actually. The most talked about Palu.

Ascot: (takes the paper and reads) "Palu a Loser? Or Just Misunderstood?" Hey! This isn't right!

Lantis: (barges in with a couple of paint buckets)

Ferio: Okay, Lantis. What are you doing with those?

Lantis: What else? I'm here to paint a portrait!

Ferio: … Did someone actually tell you how to paint one?

Lantis: Yes, Lafarga told me. Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. (takes a bucket full of black paint and goes over to a wall) Ahh…my next masterpiece: Ascoteles Over a Wall. Very catchy, isn't it? (splashes the wall with paint and looks at it admiringly) Perfect! Looks just like him!

Ascot: What?! That looks like a blob! How will anyone recognize me in that! You suck, Lantis!

Lantis: That's it! I've had it!

Ferio: Keep your paint buckets! (throws the rest of the paint buckets at Lantis, making him look like a clown) AHAHA! Now that looks like a masterpiece!

Ascot: Ahh…peace and quiet at last….

Ferio: What do you mean, peace and quiet?! Don't you hear your fans screaming out for you?

Ascot: Yes, well, I consider those sounds comforting. Maybe you should open the door.

Ferio: Er…if you say so. (opens the door and sees a bunch of women rushing in) Whoah baby! Look at them!

Ascot: (turns and sees his fans running towards him) Hey! Wait, Ferio! I didn't know I had so many! AAAH! Don't let them get me! (runs and hides)

Ferio: Ladies! (points outside) I think I saw him run outside!

Ascot fans: AAAAAH!!!!!!!!! (runs outside, dragging Ferio with them)

(the door closes, and Umi manages to squeeze in)

Umi: (finds Ascot under the table and rolls eyes) Let's see…who's under table number 1?!

Ascot: Umi! What are you doing here?

Umi: Trying to escape from a sea of rabid fan girls who are too gullible to realize that you're right here and Ferio's out there.

Ferio: (can be heard from outside, screaming as the fan girls realized that he had tricked them) Wait…no! No! It's not what you think! AAH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Umi: (ignores cries of help and sits on top of the table, taking one of the Ascoteles plushies) So, this is what Palus do on their days off.

Ascot: Basically, not very eventful, I know.

Umi: Sure it is. Think Ferio would mind if I took you for a walk around the town?

Ascot: What's there to see anyway? Nobody here but Lantis, Lafarga, Mokona, Ferio, and three crazy people from Fahren.

Aska: (growling) Watch it, Ascot.

Sang Yung: (sweatdrop) Aska-sama…

Umi: Oh, sure you do. Just summon a beast, make him lift that wall, and we're gone. Ferio won't even notice. I mean, come on, the fan girls have taken care of him already. (they hear a cracking sound) Er…I do hope he's okay.

Ferio: …

Fuu: Is he okay?

Aska: (cackles) Sang Yung!

Sang Yung: Not Ferio, Aska-sama.

Aska: Scissors!

Ferio: WAIT! NO!! (gets up) I'M ALIVE!!!!

Aska: (snaps fingers) Darn…

Umi: See what I mean?

(Ascot and Umi leave)

Scene 14

(Ascot and Umi are found strolling in a fake looking garden, where Lantis was running around trying to get the trees straight)

Umi: Lantis…what are you doing?

Lantis: Can't you see? I'm showing my artistic edge!

Ascot: BEAST SUMMON!

Lantis: AAAAH! (runs from the scene with his paint buckets)

Ascot: (laughs) Oh, what a day. First, Mokona trying to feed me some kind of egg drop soup, and then that Lantis thing. Whew…and I thought I had problems.

Umi: This whole city has problems. Even those er…birds have problems. (eyes Geo and Zazu, who are in oversized bird costumes)

Geo: Stop fooling around!

Zazu: Yeah, get the goods, woman!

Ascot: (also eyes Geo and Zazu) Okay, I'm gonna pretend I didn't see that and continue. Anyway, I didn't know that walking around this city could be so much fun!

Umi: Yeah, neither did I. (mutters) I still don't.

Ascot: Maybe I should be getting back to my mansion.

Clef: (popping out from nowhere) IT'S MY CASTLE!

Umi: (falls to the floor) Oof!

Ascot and Clef: Umi? Are you alright?

Umi: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Ascot: (glares at Clef) Can you get out of my movie?

Clef: FINE! I can see I'm not wanted! (pops out of the scene)

Umi: (gets up) Sorry, weak ankles. (sits down and smiles at Ascot) So, Ascot, what's your weakness?

Ascot: Huh?

Umi: Oh, you know, what destroys your purpose in life?

Ascot: Why are you asking?

Umi: That's my job.

Zagato: (bangs his head on a wall) Bad move…bad move…shouldn't have said that…

Ascot: Oh, well, nope. I have none. Sorry to burst Zagato's bubble.

Zagato: Hey! How'd he know?

Ascot: (shrugs) Gee, you seem to be here and so are your birds…I mean minions.

Ferio: (runs in) THERE YOU ARE! Come on! Make a run for it! They're still chasing me!

Ascot: AAH! (turns to Umi) Sorry, Umi, gotta run. Thanks for everything. (takes a flower and hands it to Umi, and then gives her a quick peck on the cheek)

Clef: (boiling with rage) Why that no good…two timing… (bleep! bleep!) wannabe son of mine…

Presea: (gasps) CLEF!

Umi: (glares at Zagato and his two minions) You mind? This is my part. You're not supposed to be in this scene until after I finish, okay?

Zagato: (grumbles) Fine… (stomps off)

Umi: (sighs) You think a girl could ever learn. (sits at the fountain and starts to sing)  
If there's a prize for rotten judgment  
I guess I've already won that (starts to walk in front of five pillars)  
No man is worth the aggravation  
That's ancient history been there, done that. (throws the flower)

(Suddenly, the Muses pop out, scaring the living daylights out of Umi as they sing their verse)

Muses: Who d'ya think you're kidding? He's the Earth and Heaven to you  
Try to keep it hidden, honey, we can see right through you

Umi: Oh, geeze…

Fuu: (smiles) Girl, you can't conceal it

Muses: We know how you feel and  
Who you're thinkin' of (the Muses all get rid of the ceiling and drop it on Caldina, who gets left behind)

Caldina: Wait for me!

Umi: Oh no, (runs away from the angry Caldina) no chance, no way, I won't say it, no, no.

Tatra: You swoon you sigh, why deny it, oh oh! (giggles)

Tarta: (sweatdrop) Sister…

Umi: It's too cliché, I won't say I'm in love…

Muses: Shoo-doo, shoo-doo, oooooh-oooh-oooo….

Umi: (walks away from the Muses, getting scared of the fact that now they're singing with their heads stuck on a pedestal)  
I thought my heart had learned its lesson  
It feels so good when you start out.

Hikaru: (sighs) Ahh…

Umi: AAAH!

Hikaru: What?

Umi: How'd you get behind me?

Hikaru: Special effects?

Fuu: Please continue, Umi.

Umi: My head is screaming get a grip, girl  
Unless you're dyin' to cry your heart, oh

Tarta: You keep on denying  
Who you are and how you're feelin'

Muses: Baby we're not buyin', hon,  
We saw you hit the ceilin'

Umi: (runs to another area of the garden)

Tarta: Face it like a grownup, when you gonna own up that you

Hikaru: (pops out behind a fountain) Got…

Caldina: (pops out in front of a statue) Got…

Tatra: (pops out in front of Umi) Got it bad!

Umi: Oh! No chance, no way! I won't say it, no, no! (stomps out angrily)

Muses: Give up, give in, check the grin, you're in love!

Umi: This scene, won't play, I won't say I'm in love…

Clef: She isn't! How could she be?!

Presea: This is a movie, Clef.

Muses: (watches as Umi runs to the opposite side, yet again) You're doing flips. Read our lips, you're in love!

Umi: (stops singing) You know, you're way off base, I definitely won't say it now!

Tatra: (keeps singing) She won't say in love!

Umi: Get off my case! I won't say it!

Fuu: Girl don't be proud, it's okay you're in love. (hands Umi another flower and whispers) Please sing your lines, Umi-san.

Umi: Well… (sighs and begins to sing again) At least out loud, I won't say I'm in….love.

Caldina and Tarta: Shoo-doo, shoo-doo, shoo-doo, tra-la-la-la-la-la…

Hikaru and Tatra: (loud sigh)

(Fuu drags the four other Muses out of the scene, to leave Umi alone. Zagato unfortunately comes in at that time.)

Zagato: So…any ideas?

Umi: Didn't you hear him? He's the almighty powerful Ascoteles. He's got no weaknesses.

Zagato: That's when you're lying, of course.

Umi: Then why didn't you talk to him if you know him so well?

Zagato: That's because in the script, it says that his actual weakness was… (pulls out script and reads) …money and rubber duckies?

Caldina: (runs in and takes the script) Oops…so this was where I misplaced my copy of the script…eheh…don't mind me!

Ferio: (snickers in the background)

Zagato: (clears throat) As I have said, his weakness is…hurting Umi! Wow! I gotta hurt you?

Umi: Hey! My agent never told me about physical injury in this movie! So back off!

Zagato: Ehehehe…I think I know just what to do…

Umi: (rolls eyes) Yeah, yeah.

(meanwhile, Ferio is sneaking behind bushes and wearing a stupid trench coat, all because he needed to get out of the scene unseen)

Ferio: (hums the Mission Impossible theme song) Dun…dun…dun dun…dun dun dun! Dun dun dun! Du-dun! Du— (gets cut off as someone throws a hammer at him)

Clef: (cackles) DASVIDANYA!

Fuu: Ferio!

Presea: Clef…

Clef: (looks) Oops…I missed…where's Ascot?

Presea: (sweatdrop)

Zagato: Is somebody spying on us?

Umi: Nope. Just Ferio. He can't tell a true story anyway. Most of it is filled with twists and stuff. I mean, anyone who makes laminated plushies can be a bit mental.

Zazu: Squawk!

Geo: (punches Zazu) We don't need to be birds anymore, idiot!

Lafarga: (from nowhere) Zazu est idiot!

Eagle: (also from nowhere) Hey! I'm supposed to be French here!

Presea: (cracks) SHADDUP! (a sound of two canons being shot are heard backstage…and then silence) Ahh…silence…

Umi: Let's get out of this scene!

Zagato: CUT!

~Ahh...another few scenes finished. I know I'm going about this really slowly, but it can't be helped, you know? I have other things to do...other stories to write...*sigh* I have no time for them all...


End file.
